Pre-Christmas Greeting

Nothing to post, nothing to write. Christmas is nearing, (actually 2 days are all we are waiting for now).

HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Chaotic End of Drama

The sudden outburst of everything seemed to overwhelmingly perturb me in a manner that not even a split second could turn away the drastic-but-unchanging circumstances. The memory of the past had traveled with me through the icy glass of yesterday that I thought have been long lost and broken. But the truth struck me, glass can be repaired though imperfect, the image can still reflect no matter how torn into pieces it maybe.

It felt like years but it was still clear, so clear that it looked confusing but my conviction didn't fade--NO, not at all. The spasm of fear and anger and sadness occurred to me like a flash of thunder moving every nerves within me, it ceased my system to work but my mind still lingered on something crucial and unnecessary.

Suddenly, I have to move out. I have to escape warily within every hole without leaving any mark of annoyance, anxiousness, grief, hatred and love. Some things are better left unsaid, some things are better off without and some things are far off to what you had imagined it to be. There are certain and vivid hallucinations that run thoroughly in the core of my mind. Existence can never be this prevailing but it can never be this undesirable.

There are echoes of voices I am hearing but I choose which sound to listen and understand. In the end, the only thing that matters and will matter is the sanity left within me after I saw the chaos outside my world. It was tragic but after months, weeks, days, hours and seconds of musing led me to invulnerable state where no one but me has the ability to penetrate and resolve the issues that separate the beginning from its ending.

Incapacitated Mind

The world, at some point, will not fit and will look unbelievably small for persons to be at the same place at the same time. And even the shortest lapse of time could cause invisible but forcible explosion. It is an unbearable concussion that only those parties could feel. And decisions are crucial to let the coldness give in.


Making decisions is far off easy when no one is to be perturbed by what you are going to do, but sadly, often than not there are people which are to be affected and raked up. And when that moment comes, you just not decide for your sake but you also consider the other person. It is a horrible thought how you let others be left in the open to wander while you are being trapped by the burden of making such decision. It is too complicated to just let a blind, unmindful decision on the way especially if a big prize is at stake.



Recently, I have to go on making a (not so big) decision but enough to affect the small world that is revolving around me. It was just an awful time to push through especially if each and every thing tend to screw up. At that very moment, I was to make a decision without even the slightest concern for myself, but entirely I was making a choice for the sake of someone. I  must admit that I usually favor what others prefer and ignore my side. But this time, I try to imagine what if I consider myself first and try to be selfish even for once. Maybe, there would be freedom and less worries.



As fickle-minded as I am used to be, I am in practiced of changing my mind about something and that makes me vulnerable to any indecision. In that case, I usually turn to adopt into some people's decision and locked me up into a place where I could not enjoy myself anymore. Pretensions lie on the line and nobody knows.



What do I get from this one? Clearly, I should not blame anyone for this attitude of mine (but maybe if they will look less ominous then I might be straight forward). Though, I do not know if I could change this, at the very least, I learned that saying 'NO' at times could help you. Being submissive requires the right time and situation but it should not be at all times. If they don't understand why you had such answer, then they really do deserve the answer that you've given them.



Ciao.

String of Thoughts

At the start, the idea of living does not penetrate in our minds. We didn't mind it, not at all. Oblivious as we were before, humans exist to fill the world with just breathing mortals but as we moved through the sane phases of our lives, we build  up the curiosity and anxiety to discover greater things beyond what our eyes can see.


*breathe*


When all things turn into a blur, nothing and no one could simply understand why the heck of a hell you do things you should not be doing; all you have to do is to take a deep breath. It would not simply go but it's just a minuscule way of reminding yourself that you are still breathing and existing. And that is too much of whim to worry about stupid craps that are happening on your life.
It's just so good to have my thoughts and ideas be transferred and be weaved into words. It's a plain rambling and ranting but of course with a taint of limitation. A thin line between private things and the world of chaotic dramas and admiration still subsists and continue to linger.


*breathe*


Knowing too much is scary just the same as knowing only certain information, you tend to be clouded by visible illusions or worse you can be doomed by the crucial information. So where do you think we should stay in the middle of perplexity and distraught? We, people, usually just ignore things so to live without a doubt that you're doubting each and every possibility.
Remember that complications are almost often worse than the root of the disease.It saturates the whole system into a dead-like mind that gradually fluctuates and then die.


*breathe*


If to put the weight on something that does not deserve such violent or sweet treatment, would you bother to give them the idea of wanting them to stay right where they were standing? Or would you prefer to let them feel the indifference that circles the depth of the relationship you have towards that person?
Honesty puts us into controversy that neither one's self nor  the person of his affection could fathom as instant like the way the hand of a clock tick-tack its way through a minute.


*breathe*


Difficult as it is, we struggle to live for the slightest idea that we will soon die. The actuality is that we are doomed to live our life up to our limit.


*terminated*


Ciao.

Maturity Depletion

To grow is something which, maybe, all of us have wished during our childhood days. Praying so hard that time would fly you to the future wherein you don't need anyone, the time where you seem not so fragile to go on your own, the time that you won't depend your whole life to someone but yourself. The vision of ourselves reaching that dream or more over desire is far beyond the simplicity that the dream engraved in our minds. It is more of complicated than we could ever think of.


I have spent several years here on earth but it's just now that I am able to ask myself, "Have I really grown?". I tend to flash back with the past and see what had changed but it seems to violate the saying which states that "Change is the only permanent thing in this world". I don't feel any change even the little details. Was that applicable to everyone? Or maybe I am not really supposed to live in this world but I belong to somewhere else.


I do grow and when I say grow, don't think of it as an understatement. Physically, I do. Emotionally, maybe. Spiritually, still the same. Mentally, I don't know. It made me wonder how others would act as if they are older. Their thinking is very critical, full of wit, diversified, and sometimes complicated for me to understand. But how come I am still like this? I don't think the way they do. Though there are times that I tend to think differently, maybe it is more of a deviation rather than abnormality. Maybe, this little meat inside my skull was not able to get its full size and maybe that's the reason why it doesn't work that well. I grow physically but my mind is being left behind by the way my body grow. It is not proportional.


Now that I am this tall and big, I wonder how things will work for others who are wishing that they were still young or to those children who are wishing to be as old just like us. Will something change? I guess things will work complicatedly and cruelly. It will not be proportional and never be proportional if it will happen. The stages that we are going through are necessary for survival in this life. We cannot go back to old days, to the development that we had once passed through. All we have to do is to look forward and find ourselves to where are feet should be set and develop the kind of life we wanted. I sometimes wish to go back to childhood, to correct things, to change everything. But as I've said when I look back, I don't think something had changed about me. I am still like that little kid whom I used to be with when I was seven or eight. Easily distubed by things and often seeks answer to so many questions.


Life throws us lots of difficulties, battles that we must and should fight back. If we retreat, it doesn't mean we are afraid of the fight but we are well aware of the danger that the battle have brought us. If we are defeated, we don't lose hope but we move forward because we learn from what happen. And the next time that we have to step on the battle field, we need to prepare so to be sure that the battle will be ours to celebrate, not for once but for a lifetime.


Ciao.

Makabuluhang Lunes

Isang ordinaryong Lunes para sa mga ekstraordinaryong bagay. Maaring normal yun sa iba pero masyado ko yatang napagtuunan ng pansin ang mga bagay bagay sa paligid ko ngayong araw, katulad din dun sa iba pang piling araw na (wala lang) naisipan ko lang makialam, makisimpatya o kaya simpleng curiousity lang talaga sa mga nakapaligid sakin. Mahirap din naman kasi na basta na lang baliwalain yung mga simpleng bagay dahil sa mga maliliit na yun naman talaga nag-uugat lahat ng mga malalaking bagay. (Tama?)


Simulan ko na ang mga kwento ko. Masyadong mahaba at pwede ka talagang mainip sa pagbabasa nito o kaya naman hindi mo na talaga tapusin.hehe.


Unang Kwento: Mga alas dose na yun ng tanghali, pauwi na ko sa bahay namin. Napakainit ng araw at talaga namang tumatagaktak na ang pawis ko sa loob ng dyip na sinasakyan ko. Wala naman akong pamaypay kaya pinagtiyagaan ko na yung kapirasong papel na nakuha ko sa isang forum nung umaga din ng araw na yun. Napakadami pang kulang na pasahero at kailangan pang punuin yung dyip para makaalis na kami. Ibig sabihin mas madaming pawis pa ang kailangan lumabas sa katawan ko, at hindi pa ko nakakatikim ng tubig simula pagkagising ko (ibig kong sanihin ay yung inumin, nakaligo na ko nan ha!). Makalipas ang mga 15 minuto ay napuno din sa wakas yung dyip, makakauwi na din at makakakain. Whew!


Nagkekwentuhan yung mga magkakakilala, yung iba ay kumakain na sa loob nd dyip dahil sa sobrang gutom, meron din nagsa-soundtrip at yung iba naman ay nanonood lang sa mga taong nasa loob ng dyip (isa na ko dun,hehe). Habang abala si manong drayber sa pagdadrayb para makalagpas sa masikip na daanan papuntang hi-way eh biglan naagaw ang atensyon ko at pati na din ang iba pang pasahero ng dyip. May isang lalaki o babae (hindi ko masyadong nakita kung ano ba talaga siya) na nakaharan sa unahan ng dyip at basang basa yung damit niya. Sa ilalim ng santing na sikat ng araw ay merong taong basang basa, nakapagtataka diba? Tapos bigla kong napansin na may nagsasaboy sa kanya ng tubig. Hindi para paliguan siya kundi para paalisin sa harapan ng tindahan niya. Tumalab naman ang ginawa ni aleng tindera, lumayo siya pero nanatili pa din itong nakaharang sa dyip. Tapos may kuya na lumapit may dalang patpat tapos pinalo niya sa may pwet yung lalaki o babae(?).Paulit ulit niyang ginawa yun. Hindi ko alam kung malakas ba yung pagkakapalo, hindi ko na din kasi natingnan dahil naaawa ako dun sa tao. Basta ang nagrehistro sa isip ko eh "naririnig ko yung slap", kaya naisip ko eh baka malakas nga.


Pangalawang Kwento: (senaryo pa din 'to sa dyip) Dahil isang publikong sasakyan ang dyip at talaga naman na magkakadikit kayo eh hindi mo maiiwasan na makinig sa usapan ng may usapan kahit pa ayaw mo talaga (o kahit gusto mo talaga).


May dalawang lola na magkasunod na pumasok sa dyip. Pasalamat nga ako sa kanila kasi sila ang dahilan kung bakit nakaalis na kami. Napakaingay ng isang lola at pamali-mali pa. Konting preno, konting galaw eh kung ano-ano ng sinasabi. Nakatuwa siya, talagang di ko mapiilan matawa pag nagsasalita na siya. Pero sa kabila nun pagpapatawa niya eh may sense naman iba niyang sinasabi. Naawa din siya dun sa lalaki o babae(?) at sabi pa niya hindi dapat ginaganun yun dahil tao din yun, gumagalaw. At isa pa, sabi din niya sa kausap niya na nakakaawa daw yung mga nasalanta ng bagyo. Napanood daw niya sa tv yung mga kabaoong/puntod na inanod ng baha. Sabi pa niya parusa daw yun sating mga tao. (nagblangko na utak ko nung sinabi niya yun).


Pangatlong Kwento? may isa pa sana akong kwento pero may mga bagay na kailangan na lang itago sa  sarili. Basta ang masasabi kolang dun sa dapat na pangatlong kwento eh may mga bagay na kailangan natin gawin o kaya naman hindi dapat gawin para makasanayan natin o kaya para hindi natin makasanayan.


Sa mga naibahagi kong kwento, wala man dating sa inyo ay talaga namang tumatak sa isip ko ngayong araw. Lalo na yung unang kwento. May mga tao lang talaga na hindi pinagpala o kaya hindi nabiyayaan ng buhay na katulad nung sa iba, yung kahit papaano ay nakakaluwag. Kahit pa siguro anong hakbang ang gawin ng gobyerno natin nagyon ay wala pa ding mangyayari. Dahil unang-una ay hindi naman sila gagawa ng paraan para umaan ang buhay ng mga taong katulad niya.


Ciao.

A Call of Duty

I woke up this morning with the same aching head just like last night. But this was different because it was now caused by a  long sleep (laughs). I had to wake up early so as to catch up with the 8:00 AM mass and thanks to the random thoughts and worries(?), I pushed myself to get up to bed before I could decide against going to mass.


Same views welcomed me just before I get in the church; families starting their Sunday with a mass, couples sitting together, hands intertwined, waiting for the mass to start over (most of these couples were teenagers), children running along the front yard/garden of the church premises, choirs on their uniforms (whatever they call it) sitting relaxed in their bench, lectors, acolytes, sacristans and priests preparing for the mass and of course, people like me who unconsciously loves observing how the world goes around her.


When the mass started, I was in deep focus on the ceremony. I completely detached myself from all those observations and try, as much as possible, not to look anywhere aside from the altar. But to my surprise, the altar caught my attention, swinging me back from the musing or wonderment of how things flow here on earth. There was an assistant to the priest. We call it seminarista, a person who is pursuing his profession to be a priest. And the question hit me like a child seeking for an answer, the difference is that a child does not know when an answer is vague enough to doubt the reasons why. And I doubt the reason I have in mind. The question is, how do they realize that they want to serve Him? When did they realize that and how did it hit them? Is it the love for religion or is is a true devotion that they want in their entire life?


For 18 years of my existence, I met some people who once entered a seminary and left. Contesting "before" that they really wanted to be a priest but then, along the road of the so-called life, they met the woman who made them realized that they were not supposed to be a priest but a father to the sons/daughters that the woman is going to bear. Funny how things go for some like that. Maybe, at some point of their lives, they really wanted to be of service to Him as a priest who preach the the teachings of God. Or may be it is just a test for them, if they really wanted to be like that? It is really confusing and mind boggling.


Despite of all those reasons or questions perhaps, I end up with a resolute explanation just to satisfy myself (laughs). My conclusion is that those persons whom we now call priests and had been ordained by the church are those people who did not found the happiness outside church. But they sought it upon studying and learning things about Him. I actually salute the priests because they survived life like that. One of the noble profession, indeed. Even though it bothers me why priests choose to be priests, I still salute them for taking that path. Maybe, we all have our own roads to take and that is the road meant for them.




Ciao.

Missed Chances

I am such a lucky person, that's all I can think of.

Imagine these scenarios: a son/daughter lying on the floor of their so-called home (home means a small four-walled structure made of plywood and a galvanized corrugated metal roofing)  and gripping his/her stomach because of hunger, teenagers having their smoking and drinking session, families who don't have a place they can consider home, out of school youths engaging themselves in illegal doings, little children asking for alms along the streets and more gruesome circumstances that is prevalent in the Philippines. I am sure you are familiar with each scenario and maybe you had the chance to see one of these on your way home. I really could not imagine my life like that, it's burdensome and complicated. Sure most of the times we don't care about them or if we do it will only be for a moment when we have the chance to mingle with them or upon hearing their touching stories.  Actually, I salute those people who persist on living despite of their critical and vulnerable situation. If I were them, I had long given up my life considering the hardships, the sufferings and the torments. Living in that kind of life is never easy, it is full of uncertainties.

It is aggravating to see these things and to think that it is rampant here in the Philippines. It made me realize that I am a way luckier than any other people because I have this and that which they cannot afford. I am lucky because I haven't only got a place I can really call home but I am sure that this so-called home could really provide me protection and sanctuary. I am lucky because I have the chance to attend school. I am lucky because I do not starve. I am lucky because I have money. I am lucky because of so many unappreciated reasons. I rant about insignificant matters and inconsequential things but I don't ever bother to think about those people who have nothing but their faith to hold on to.

I wonder why we end up like this. Is it rooted on the innate behavior of people or does it come from the people who are leading our country? If only the government would not focus more on their hidden vicious agendas but instead pay much of their attention to these people who is in need of their help, maybe somehow we can uplift the Philippines. Their acts would be much appreciated if they set aside their political desires. As much as it is easy to say, I am completely aware that for them it will be a great challenge especially if their minds have been thoroughly corrupted by money and power. But I do hope for a change even if it is gradual at least change happens.

Ciao.

Battle of Beliefs

For almost two months, I was contemplating on how religion has the propensity to challenge every human life into diverging or converging in a certain faith and beliefs. Clearly, religion has an immense impact on humanity that it plays an inevitable but I must say is also a considerable issues, creating confusion and skepticism in our minds. And now, it particularly affects my being. The point of views and beliefs of different religions deviate from each that made them entirely different. Its spectrum hasn't narrowed down but it broadens over time into an aspect unreachable and sometimes unreasonable for us to understand. Affecting so much, too much of everything. Is it worth the prize or the war?

I was baptized as a Roman Catholic and none of us have ever tried to partake into other religion until now. One member of our family decided to have himself converted to Muslim. I really have nothing against what he had done but the others might have some angst and can be narrow-minded. I could not imagine how things will work out for them without even questioning the other person with his chosen path and religion. Having a different religion within the family, I could not amass the misunderstanding that may occur because for one, our family have been long dedicated to Catholicism. Difficult as it is, like a child trying to have his first few steps. Observing how things worked for them now, it looks looks to me that they are like children who are scared for the first day of school because afraid of the stereotype scenario that they would not gain friends and nobody would like them. It is a pretty much starter.

Two months ago, I pay no attention to whatever religion one may have. It was not a big deal for me as long as that factor does not affect the relationship that I have with that person. Now, I still goes for me that way but  little changes occurred in my very eyes. I now play as an adviser for my father. He questioned my uncle about his conversion and he will rant about that issue every now and then. In the corner of my mind, I think he should not try to mind whatever the real reason for uncle's conversion and this put me into a lot of explanation. Everyone of us have our own preference. So what if he's a Muslim? Nothing has changed, he's still the same old person that we used to  know. I guess it was just merely the thought of him having a change of heart that inflicted the others the thought that he had changed. But as for me, I know my uncle so well that I don't doubt any of his attitudes now. Maybe he had different beliefs now, he calls his god differently but that's just all. I still consider him as my second father among others.

Religions can be very diverse. There is really no single belief that will cause this world to merge. Respect is all we need to have understanding despite of  our differences. If there are no differences that exist in this world, we will learn nothing and we will experience nothing. Learning comes from meeting people which has a different language from us. And so, beliefs are never meant to be questioned, it is meant to be understood. no matter what religion he has, what beliefs one holds, where country he comes from, what language he speaks, what he eats and what he does not; this only falls into a thin line of differences which unites us all. A world of diversity that inflicts us learning.

Ciao.

Concealed Paranoia

Wow!

I guess that is a good sign for one person to back off and give up a thing that was never meant for him/her to have. The cup of coffee which has long been untouched is finally found by its owner. The warmness of the beverage is truly intended for that one person.

A system could be easily addicted by the coffee. The view of it could already consume a whole being. But lucky for one to at least find the cup of coffee.

[The aroma was close to perfection, the taste might be as well, but the cup of coffee slipped out of my hand even before I could sip at it. ---No, it didn't slip out at my grip at all because I wasn't holding it. I never did, it was just an utter thought. Solely registered in my mind.]

Ciao.

November Holidays

It was a typical Sunday morning, the weather is sultry and the sun was bright not like what I had been expecting. The news reporter just announced the other day that the tail of the storm "Santi" would still be playing its part in giving torrential rains and wind blows today but forecasts can also go askew. May be even storms can have a sudden change of heart or way, perhaps the latter may apply better.

This day might be less like extraordinary until I felt my back aches and boom! something caught me giving me a real quick head start. I realized I just gained the prize of helping my grandmother in cooking her specialty which is the Sinukmani (it is a kind of kakanin that is made up of brown sugar, rice and coconut milk). Granny would always cook this kakanin when our families are coming. So, how's this connected with the extraordinary thing? Well, the date tells it all... All Saints' Day have approached its 'festivity' this year.

The first of November holds an unbreakable tradition every year; families are reunited, old friends meet, people absolutely got a break from the world full of the breathing, vulnerable humans. Few days before this much awaited (?) day approach the season, people will visit and clean the tombs of their loved ones who left the earth much much earlier than them, so to speak. They will also buy flowers that is to be offered on the grave of those who passed away. And of course, foods will never be absent on the line of the what-to-bring-in-the-cemetery list. Preparation for this day seemed to be necessary just like how people prepare for the Christmas season yearly. On the day of the visit and one whole day stay in the said place, people will offer prayers and the other customary things will follow. The cemetery will look more like a park full of people having their picnics and non-stop chatting, be it meaningful or mundane, rather than a cemetery which should been silenced and honored for the solemnity that it holds. But I think this is an exchange for the one year silence in the cemetery. One day of blare would not hurt the spirits or may be it would (smiles).

All of these traditions may have become trivial and insignificant,  moreover these things become a practice that none of us would notice that the holiday is meant for 'them'. The true meaning and essence of this very day is not shared and felt. Despite of all the efforts and the plannings, All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day are considered holidays for us to remember that despite the absence of our loved ones, they still linger. May be these days are also a chance for us to remind them that they are not forgotten. I do not say that we do not follow the same things that is mentioned above but what I say is we should understand that the celebration of this could still be possible without all of those mundane things.

Ciao.

Caught in the Middle

"Most of my high school life, I concentrated in achieving scholastic excellence. Getting recognized mattered to me because I know it would mean better job opportunities and gaining the respect of my fellow students. My work paid off and I was seen as a top notcher. Little did I know that I was trapped. People expected me to perform well and I felt I need to prove to them my genius. I was under intense pressure to maintain good grades. The pressure was slowly suffocating me. I thought, what will happen if I fail? Would they still respect me? Would I still be accepted? My heart yearned for freedom from always struggling to satisfy people’s expectations. The more I climbed higher in the ladder of excellence, the more I became dissatisfied and I sensed the emptiness of my life. Is this the purpose of my life? When I die, will medals and awards even matter? Am I vainly working myself to death? On the outside, I was rich with certificates and awards, but on the inside, I was poor."

an excerpt from: http://news.southcentralluzonconference.org/johan.html

While I was browsing the net, I happened to dropped by in a schoolmate's page in multiply and I find this quoted lines where she also got from some other person's profile. I was not able to read the whole story of the girl but the very thought of what was written above clearly explains why this had caught my attention.

There's always more than getting good grades, aiming for the best and proving yourself to other people. What is it? Being your entire self and enjoying the goodness and captivating beauty of life. You'll never prove something if you'll just continue to live under the shadow of perfections. Sometimes, the best people are molded by the number of failures they have done in their lives. Excellence pays off well if you know what it means and what it is for. Being excellent must be a reward for one's self and not for others.

Ciao.

The Prize of Being Home

I can feel the bum days. I have been idle for about three long days and this makes me sick (much to my surprise). I have never been this unproductive until now. I thought that this much awaited sem break would be so much rewarding for me but I was a bit wrong with it. May be I am on the verge of getting the kind of rest that I want but I miss doing stuffs with friends like hanging in a mate's apartment, wasting our time doing nothing, non stop chatting, etc. Being home does not provide me so much things to do and the feeling really sucks. Life is kind of monotonous and all gray. I watch television, I surf the net, I eat and then I sleep. What do you think will happen to me if I continue to live this life. (laughs) Probably, I will look  like a pig with a big big tummy.tss. However, I am still trying to enjoy this time because sooner (not later definitley), I will have to suffer again with academic pressures and all. I must not ruin the chances that life has given me to fully enjoy this short break (laughs).

Guess, I just have to fully and completely submerge myself in this all time resting, eating and idling. It will only be for two weeks or so, better  have it than not.

Ciao.

Life's Cycle

"People come and go", such a cliche but sometimes things that we do not want to believe could happen. It is plausible and could be very untimely, a ricochet bullet. You would not notice it but you can feel its effect so soon that you will never be aware of its capacity to enter and gnaw in what you thought was an unreceptive persona. like venom that slowly creeps into your vain and too often it causes death. lucky if you were able to survive, but what if just what if... your body gives up suddenly. What could be the consequences? it's either you die or you die (PERIOD)

Realizing how short life could be, I also come to the realization that our good moments with other people and the chances we are given to be with them are counted and limited, it is never timeless and not meant to be forever. Maybe,memories are made so that we can somehow go back to the good old days, so that we can remember and we can reminisce. These memories will remind us how good or bad we treated those persons, either we regret it or we become complacent with what we have done to their lives. what part we played and how well or worst we played it. And when they go, do not be sad but at least be thankful especially if you feel and know that you haven't wasted any of your chances. Be thankful because you became part of their lives and them to yours. Accept the changes for you will be used to it sooner than you think. If some people leave, others will come not to compromise for the loss but to keep the cycle going. They will come because they simply have a role to play in your life and when the shoot is over, they will have to go too. I guess it is how things really work. I am not a cynic, I am just a realist. You lose people for certain reasons which you can barely explain. No matter how attached we are to them, goodbyes are necessary in this life.

All of us might be afraid of being left alone and being left behind but nobody will ever be left alone or left behind if we don't let it happen. We could always look for new companions, for new friends, for new people who will understand us and to whom we can relate our lives fully and comfortably. Lastly, we have ourselves. You know what's good when people leave you? It is when you learn to find yourself and to know that you can survive, breathe and function normally without them whom you rely on for what it seems like a century or so. We could be happy without other people because in the middle of every parting, you are alone and hollow but you see, you still continue to exist.

For people who never moved on, it is certainly not the end of your life, let go and live; for people who moved on, good job put in mind that it will never bethe last time that you will have to go through it and for people who will have to move on sooner or later, it is never easy but be tough. Toughness isn't about being unbreakable but it's about standing still even if every part of you seems to be broken.

"When you lose someone, continue to live because you need to see how other stories will end", I'll end up with this line form My Sassy Girl (American version).

Ciao.

*how can you lose someone? death, separation, disappearance*

So, Goodbye...

The weather outside isn't good and that is why I arrived home a little bit late. Thanks to our professor,Ii had my phone charged (Whatever!hehe). At least I was able to reach our home just before the clock strikes 10:00 in the evening. I did the usual things every Friday when I arrived at home: change my clothes, proceed to the kitchen and look for foods, eat, wash the dishes and sit down in front of the television and watch obliviously. Actually I just turned on the television but i didn't watch it, I just listen to it. Texting takes over (laughs).

I noticed some minimal changes in our house. I noticed that we already have lanterns and Christmas decors (whatever they are called). It is not a usual thing we do whenever Christmas is approaching and the view made me a little pensive. tss. I am not used to that view in our house, at the very least of course. And that reminded me one thing - we are again back to the good old days. Just when my father and I would have been the only living thing that is breathing inside the green house. I am speaking of course about the days when I have time to go home and spend the days with him. whew.. My auntie just left last Wednesday (23rd of September). That means we are back to basic, sardines are luckier than us, they are at least 3 or 4 inside that small can. But anyway, it would not be that long.. it will just take about a year or so and then poof! three again, then few months.. 2.... Well, that's how it goes for us.

I guess, goodbye is really inevitable. it doesnt' matter if it's permanent or just for a moment. No matter how hard we try to hold on, forever and always we will hear it or we will say it. But i believe it's never the end and it will never be the end. Along the journey, we will meet certain people which will remind us of the old people that we are able to know along the way. but let's be able to differentiate the good old ones and the new ones. I just hate GOODBYES. There's always someone who are left behind and someone who moves forward. But I guess, some of the best life lessons can be found in goodbyes. (smiles)

Ciao.

Alienated

Being lifted from almost two days of truly dreadful moments and awkward silence (well, just for me i suppose), I've managed to breathe again normally. Never in my life that I could be so talkative and flawlessly entertaining when there are lots of people around - this one counts when I am caught in the middle of those people who I am not used to be with. In one way or another, I really get tongue-tied. It gets me a little bit too long to ease myself at certain people. That's why I chose to deviate myself from them within those two days that they were around while enjoying themselves of the full time vacation they could spend in our house.

For those torturing moments, I just stayed in my room for almost every time. And during those times that I decided to get out of my room, I just listen to their petty talks. Of course, no interruption from me. I just drew insignificant faces just when the situation calls for it. Guess, I would not be used into exposing myself into people, not too soon. (sighs)

Ignatians had their "reunion". (I guess, it is not appropriate to be called that way, I was not around anyway.tsk) I was not able to come because as I have mentioned above, we had visitors. I missed the fun which I tried to get out of my mind the whole time I was locking myself into my room while pretending that I was studying, that was all a ruse!

Enough of the babbling and the nagging and the ranting. At least, I have achieved to get a good rest somehow. Thanks, anyhow. I was alienated enough for the past few days but I am used to it at some point, really. Looking for more. Now, enough of the most mundane and typical things.(smiles)

I had a jump start today. I woke up just enough for me to catch up with our breakfast. Before I had reached the end of my luscious breakfast, my father reminded me that they would be away for about an hour or so. That would mean being alone with my granny in our house. Well, she's not really my granny but she's close to being one. She's staying with us until Wednesday if I remember it right. She is a silent type of person, and will mostly looks at you when you are talking to her. She seldom speaks a word which is alright for me because if she would be talking a lot, I really do not know how I could compromise. I prefer silence than a lot of chattering at times. (Ahm, it depends on people at least.) So, we had lunch together and I felt some sort of fulfillment within me. The thought of giving her food and taking over the things the she needed gave me a sense of responsibility for that short time. And what's surprising, we talked while we were eating our lunch. So, so nice for me.(smiles)

Ciao.