Diverted.

I feel so INVISIBLE and yet I feel just so fine. Sick days do give me very good rests. This is a total disengagement from life's relentlessness which is too much of an irony. Aside from enjoying this "vacation", I also wonder how much I am losing or (maybe) gaining from this whole resting thing. Who knows? I think I'll just maximize the benefit of being home. I'm getting used to it somehow. Soon, this will be over. I am looking forward to it while I am busying myself with nothing.

*ciao*

White Paper

--------------------------SAY WHAT?----------------------------

I am always blank.

Nothing comes out or even comes into my mind. It is like everything turns this little meat inside my skull to be numb. It lacks out of neurons that's why I am playing idle all the time. The only battle I have to face is to think of how I would exist each time I am inside the battle field of my own life.

I am blank. I have nothing to talk about and I have nothing to feel. Maybe, everything is lost and everything just have to snap back into what it is used to be. It is a plain old justification of living dead. Maybe, I am just like a zombie or a puppet maybe, fully controlled by the surroundings and by the people around.

I am always blank.

I am wanting to do one thing but then again I always go against it. The pains of this existence have brought so much chaos and I get to think, "Does this prove anything at the very least?". Maybe the answer is no, it si just a full stupidity of wanting to avoid things and wanting to avoid feelings but it all boils down into meeting them, unconsciously.

I am always blank. And then I realized, I am just too tired. I am just too preoccupied and absorbed by things, by changes, by attitudes, by everything I mean.

I am always blank and this really needs a good rest.

*Ciao.*

01-31-10

As I read through every posts I have written(typed) last year, I cannot help but wonder why is that the same feeling would pierce me while I read each line. This time it's totally different and that is the reason why I am completely annoyed and disturbed by the sudden spasm of everything.

I could not deploy all things out. Maybe I do understand how that happens but what I could not explain was the part where I have to answer the question "why". I have long stayed and I fully stated my reasons, opinions and stand. Nevertheless, people have a difficulty understanding the sanity or maybe insanity of my decisions. They can never adjust to my childish thinking that is why they just let the feeling escape and along with that, they also opt for a choice that I never have spoken of, tearing all things apart and run off.

It's mind boggling and it puzzles me so much, that all I can think of is to try to break loose. Leaving behind or hanging on were neither the easiest nor the most difficult part. Its the time wherein you have to decide for yourself, on whether you have to let go or you have to give up. And for a person like me, usually we choose to let go instead of giving up. After all, we cannot blame the circumstances, the place, the time, and especially the person involve. In the first place, we all have our choices. I have my choices and they have theirs. No one can take that away from them and from us. If their choices go askew with mine, then so be it. It's just that we should have the courage to let the things and decisions we have long installed in our mind come to reality and of course, to take the risks of such decisions.

In the end, no one has to suffer. I believe it will always be a blessing for everyone,for we will continue to gain learning whenever such load of craps have to affect our lives. We only have two things to think of; whether you'll keep in line or break free, and you have to have a wise choice

HAPPY NEW YEAR

This might be a little too late but perhaps I can still greet everyone a Happy New Year. 2010 is up and I am hoping for better things to come this year. Though the feeling seems to be ironic, this should not ruin the common notion that we everyone should start the year right.