Pre-Christmas Greeting

Nothing to post, nothing to write. Christmas is nearing, (actually 2 days are all we are waiting for now).

HAVE A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Chaotic End of Drama

The sudden outburst of everything seemed to overwhelmingly perturb me in a manner that not even a split second could turn away the drastic-but-unchanging circumstances. The memory of the past had traveled with me through the icy glass of yesterday that I thought have been long lost and broken. But the truth struck me, glass can be repaired though imperfect, the image can still reflect no matter how torn into pieces it maybe.

It felt like years but it was still clear, so clear that it looked confusing but my conviction didn't fade--NO, not at all. The spasm of fear and anger and sadness occurred to me like a flash of thunder moving every nerves within me, it ceased my system to work but my mind still lingered on something crucial and unnecessary.

Suddenly, I have to move out. I have to escape warily within every hole without leaving any mark of annoyance, anxiousness, grief, hatred and love. Some things are better left unsaid, some things are better off without and some things are far off to what you had imagined it to be. There are certain and vivid hallucinations that run thoroughly in the core of my mind. Existence can never be this prevailing but it can never be this undesirable.

There are echoes of voices I am hearing but I choose which sound to listen and understand. In the end, the only thing that matters and will matter is the sanity left within me after I saw the chaos outside my world. It was tragic but after months, weeks, days, hours and seconds of musing led me to invulnerable state where no one but me has the ability to penetrate and resolve the issues that separate the beginning from its ending.

Incapacitated Mind

The world, at some point, will not fit and will look unbelievably small for persons to be at the same place at the same time. And even the shortest lapse of time could cause invisible but forcible explosion. It is an unbearable concussion that only those parties could feel. And decisions are crucial to let the coldness give in.


Making decisions is far off easy when no one is to be perturbed by what you are going to do, but sadly, often than not there are people which are to be affected and raked up. And when that moment comes, you just not decide for your sake but you also consider the other person. It is a horrible thought how you let others be left in the open to wander while you are being trapped by the burden of making such decision. It is too complicated to just let a blind, unmindful decision on the way especially if a big prize is at stake.



Recently, I have to go on making a (not so big) decision but enough to affect the small world that is revolving around me. It was just an awful time to push through especially if each and every thing tend to screw up. At that very moment, I was to make a decision without even the slightest concern for myself, but entirely I was making a choice for the sake of someone. I  must admit that I usually favor what others prefer and ignore my side. But this time, I try to imagine what if I consider myself first and try to be selfish even for once. Maybe, there would be freedom and less worries.



As fickle-minded as I am used to be, I am in practiced of changing my mind about something and that makes me vulnerable to any indecision. In that case, I usually turn to adopt into some people's decision and locked me up into a place where I could not enjoy myself anymore. Pretensions lie on the line and nobody knows.



What do I get from this one? Clearly, I should not blame anyone for this attitude of mine (but maybe if they will look less ominous then I might be straight forward). Though, I do not know if I could change this, at the very least, I learned that saying 'NO' at times could help you. Being submissive requires the right time and situation but it should not be at all times. If they don't understand why you had such answer, then they really do deserve the answer that you've given them.



Ciao.

String of Thoughts

At the start, the idea of living does not penetrate in our minds. We didn't mind it, not at all. Oblivious as we were before, humans exist to fill the world with just breathing mortals but as we moved through the sane phases of our lives, we build  up the curiosity and anxiety to discover greater things beyond what our eyes can see.


*breathe*


When all things turn into a blur, nothing and no one could simply understand why the heck of a hell you do things you should not be doing; all you have to do is to take a deep breath. It would not simply go but it's just a minuscule way of reminding yourself that you are still breathing and existing. And that is too much of whim to worry about stupid craps that are happening on your life.
It's just so good to have my thoughts and ideas be transferred and be weaved into words. It's a plain rambling and ranting but of course with a taint of limitation. A thin line between private things and the world of chaotic dramas and admiration still subsists and continue to linger.


*breathe*


Knowing too much is scary just the same as knowing only certain information, you tend to be clouded by visible illusions or worse you can be doomed by the crucial information. So where do you think we should stay in the middle of perplexity and distraught? We, people, usually just ignore things so to live without a doubt that you're doubting each and every possibility.
Remember that complications are almost often worse than the root of the disease.It saturates the whole system into a dead-like mind that gradually fluctuates and then die.


*breathe*


If to put the weight on something that does not deserve such violent or sweet treatment, would you bother to give them the idea of wanting them to stay right where they were standing? Or would you prefer to let them feel the indifference that circles the depth of the relationship you have towards that person?
Honesty puts us into controversy that neither one's self nor  the person of his affection could fathom as instant like the way the hand of a clock tick-tack its way through a minute.


*breathe*


Difficult as it is, we struggle to live for the slightest idea that we will soon die. The actuality is that we are doomed to live our life up to our limit.


*terminated*


Ciao.

Maturity Depletion

To grow is something which, maybe, all of us have wished during our childhood days. Praying so hard that time would fly you to the future wherein you don't need anyone, the time where you seem not so fragile to go on your own, the time that you won't depend your whole life to someone but yourself. The vision of ourselves reaching that dream or more over desire is far beyond the simplicity that the dream engraved in our minds. It is more of complicated than we could ever think of.


I have spent several years here on earth but it's just now that I am able to ask myself, "Have I really grown?". I tend to flash back with the past and see what had changed but it seems to violate the saying which states that "Change is the only permanent thing in this world". I don't feel any change even the little details. Was that applicable to everyone? Or maybe I am not really supposed to live in this world but I belong to somewhere else.


I do grow and when I say grow, don't think of it as an understatement. Physically, I do. Emotionally, maybe. Spiritually, still the same. Mentally, I don't know. It made me wonder how others would act as if they are older. Their thinking is very critical, full of wit, diversified, and sometimes complicated for me to understand. But how come I am still like this? I don't think the way they do. Though there are times that I tend to think differently, maybe it is more of a deviation rather than abnormality. Maybe, this little meat inside my skull was not able to get its full size and maybe that's the reason why it doesn't work that well. I grow physically but my mind is being left behind by the way my body grow. It is not proportional.


Now that I am this tall and big, I wonder how things will work for others who are wishing that they were still young or to those children who are wishing to be as old just like us. Will something change? I guess things will work complicatedly and cruelly. It will not be proportional and never be proportional if it will happen. The stages that we are going through are necessary for survival in this life. We cannot go back to old days, to the development that we had once passed through. All we have to do is to look forward and find ourselves to where are feet should be set and develop the kind of life we wanted. I sometimes wish to go back to childhood, to correct things, to change everything. But as I've said when I look back, I don't think something had changed about me. I am still like that little kid whom I used to be with when I was seven or eight. Easily distubed by things and often seeks answer to so many questions.


Life throws us lots of difficulties, battles that we must and should fight back. If we retreat, it doesn't mean we are afraid of the fight but we are well aware of the danger that the battle have brought us. If we are defeated, we don't lose hope but we move forward because we learn from what happen. And the next time that we have to step on the battle field, we need to prepare so to be sure that the battle will be ours to celebrate, not for once but for a lifetime.


Ciao.