Incapacitated Mind

The world, at some point, will not fit and will look unbelievably small for persons to be at the same place at the same time. And even the shortest lapse of time could cause invisible but forcible explosion. It is an unbearable concussion that only those parties could feel. And decisions are crucial to let the coldness give in.


Making decisions is far off easy when no one is to be perturbed by what you are going to do, but sadly, often than not there are people which are to be affected and raked up. And when that moment comes, you just not decide for your sake but you also consider the other person. It is a horrible thought how you let others be left in the open to wander while you are being trapped by the burden of making such decision. It is too complicated to just let a blind, unmindful decision on the way especially if a big prize is at stake.



Recently, I have to go on making a (not so big) decision but enough to affect the small world that is revolving around me. It was just an awful time to push through especially if each and every thing tend to screw up. At that very moment, I was to make a decision without even the slightest concern for myself, but entirely I was making a choice for the sake of someone. I  must admit that I usually favor what others prefer and ignore my side. But this time, I try to imagine what if I consider myself first and try to be selfish even for once. Maybe, there would be freedom and less worries.



As fickle-minded as I am used to be, I am in practiced of changing my mind about something and that makes me vulnerable to any indecision. In that case, I usually turn to adopt into some people's decision and locked me up into a place where I could not enjoy myself anymore. Pretensions lie on the line and nobody knows.



What do I get from this one? Clearly, I should not blame anyone for this attitude of mine (but maybe if they will look less ominous then I might be straight forward). Though, I do not know if I could change this, at the very least, I learned that saying 'NO' at times could help you. Being submissive requires the right time and situation but it should not be at all times. If they don't understand why you had such answer, then they really do deserve the answer that you've given them.



Ciao.

A Call of Duty

I woke up this morning with the same aching head just like last night. But this was different because it was now caused by a  long sleep (laughs). I had to wake up early so as to catch up with the 8:00 AM mass and thanks to the random thoughts and worries(?), I pushed myself to get up to bed before I could decide against going to mass.


Same views welcomed me just before I get in the church; families starting their Sunday with a mass, couples sitting together, hands intertwined, waiting for the mass to start over (most of these couples were teenagers), children running along the front yard/garden of the church premises, choirs on their uniforms (whatever they call it) sitting relaxed in their bench, lectors, acolytes, sacristans and priests preparing for the mass and of course, people like me who unconsciously loves observing how the world goes around her.


When the mass started, I was in deep focus on the ceremony. I completely detached myself from all those observations and try, as much as possible, not to look anywhere aside from the altar. But to my surprise, the altar caught my attention, swinging me back from the musing or wonderment of how things flow here on earth. There was an assistant to the priest. We call it seminarista, a person who is pursuing his profession to be a priest. And the question hit me like a child seeking for an answer, the difference is that a child does not know when an answer is vague enough to doubt the reasons why. And I doubt the reason I have in mind. The question is, how do they realize that they want to serve Him? When did they realize that and how did it hit them? Is it the love for religion or is is a true devotion that they want in their entire life?


For 18 years of my existence, I met some people who once entered a seminary and left. Contesting "before" that they really wanted to be a priest but then, along the road of the so-called life, they met the woman who made them realized that they were not supposed to be a priest but a father to the sons/daughters that the woman is going to bear. Funny how things go for some like that. Maybe, at some point of their lives, they really wanted to be of service to Him as a priest who preach the the teachings of God. Or may be it is just a test for them, if they really wanted to be like that? It is really confusing and mind boggling.


Despite of all those reasons or questions perhaps, I end up with a resolute explanation just to satisfy myself (laughs). My conclusion is that those persons whom we now call priests and had been ordained by the church are those people who did not found the happiness outside church. But they sought it upon studying and learning things about Him. I actually salute the priests because they survived life like that. One of the noble profession, indeed. Even though it bothers me why priests choose to be priests, I still salute them for taking that path. Maybe, we all have our own roads to take and that is the road meant for them.




Ciao.