White Paper

--------------------------SAY WHAT?----------------------------

I am always blank.

Nothing comes out or even comes into my mind. It is like everything turns this little meat inside my skull to be numb. It lacks out of neurons that's why I am playing idle all the time. The only battle I have to face is to think of how I would exist each time I am inside the battle field of my own life.

I am blank. I have nothing to talk about and I have nothing to feel. Maybe, everything is lost and everything just have to snap back into what it is used to be. It is a plain old justification of living dead. Maybe, I am just like a zombie or a puppet maybe, fully controlled by the surroundings and by the people around.

I am always blank.

I am wanting to do one thing but then again I always go against it. The pains of this existence have brought so much chaos and I get to think, "Does this prove anything at the very least?". Maybe the answer is no, it si just a full stupidity of wanting to avoid things and wanting to avoid feelings but it all boils down into meeting them, unconsciously.

I am always blank. And then I realized, I am just too tired. I am just too preoccupied and absorbed by things, by changes, by attitudes, by everything I mean.

I am always blank and this really needs a good rest.

*Ciao.*

String of Thoughts

At the start, the idea of living does not penetrate in our minds. We didn't mind it, not at all. Oblivious as we were before, humans exist to fill the world with just breathing mortals but as we moved through the sane phases of our lives, we build  up the curiosity and anxiety to discover greater things beyond what our eyes can see.


*breathe*


When all things turn into a blur, nothing and no one could simply understand why the heck of a hell you do things you should not be doing; all you have to do is to take a deep breath. It would not simply go but it's just a minuscule way of reminding yourself that you are still breathing and existing. And that is too much of whim to worry about stupid craps that are happening on your life.
It's just so good to have my thoughts and ideas be transferred and be weaved into words. It's a plain rambling and ranting but of course with a taint of limitation. A thin line between private things and the world of chaotic dramas and admiration still subsists and continue to linger.


*breathe*


Knowing too much is scary just the same as knowing only certain information, you tend to be clouded by visible illusions or worse you can be doomed by the crucial information. So where do you think we should stay in the middle of perplexity and distraught? We, people, usually just ignore things so to live without a doubt that you're doubting each and every possibility.
Remember that complications are almost often worse than the root of the disease.It saturates the whole system into a dead-like mind that gradually fluctuates and then die.


*breathe*


If to put the weight on something that does not deserve such violent or sweet treatment, would you bother to give them the idea of wanting them to stay right where they were standing? Or would you prefer to let them feel the indifference that circles the depth of the relationship you have towards that person?
Honesty puts us into controversy that neither one's self nor  the person of his affection could fathom as instant like the way the hand of a clock tick-tack its way through a minute.


*breathe*


Difficult as it is, we struggle to live for the slightest idea that we will soon die. The actuality is that we are doomed to live our life up to our limit.


*terminated*


Ciao.

A Call of Duty

I woke up this morning with the same aching head just like last night. But this was different because it was now caused by a  long sleep (laughs). I had to wake up early so as to catch up with the 8:00 AM mass and thanks to the random thoughts and worries(?), I pushed myself to get up to bed before I could decide against going to mass.


Same views welcomed me just before I get in the church; families starting their Sunday with a mass, couples sitting together, hands intertwined, waiting for the mass to start over (most of these couples were teenagers), children running along the front yard/garden of the church premises, choirs on their uniforms (whatever they call it) sitting relaxed in their bench, lectors, acolytes, sacristans and priests preparing for the mass and of course, people like me who unconsciously loves observing how the world goes around her.


When the mass started, I was in deep focus on the ceremony. I completely detached myself from all those observations and try, as much as possible, not to look anywhere aside from the altar. But to my surprise, the altar caught my attention, swinging me back from the musing or wonderment of how things flow here on earth. There was an assistant to the priest. We call it seminarista, a person who is pursuing his profession to be a priest. And the question hit me like a child seeking for an answer, the difference is that a child does not know when an answer is vague enough to doubt the reasons why. And I doubt the reason I have in mind. The question is, how do they realize that they want to serve Him? When did they realize that and how did it hit them? Is it the love for religion or is is a true devotion that they want in their entire life?


For 18 years of my existence, I met some people who once entered a seminary and left. Contesting "before" that they really wanted to be a priest but then, along the road of the so-called life, they met the woman who made them realized that they were not supposed to be a priest but a father to the sons/daughters that the woman is going to bear. Funny how things go for some like that. Maybe, at some point of their lives, they really wanted to be of service to Him as a priest who preach the the teachings of God. Or may be it is just a test for them, if they really wanted to be like that? It is really confusing and mind boggling.


Despite of all those reasons or questions perhaps, I end up with a resolute explanation just to satisfy myself (laughs). My conclusion is that those persons whom we now call priests and had been ordained by the church are those people who did not found the happiness outside church. But they sought it upon studying and learning things about Him. I actually salute the priests because they survived life like that. One of the noble profession, indeed. Even though it bothers me why priests choose to be priests, I still salute them for taking that path. Maybe, we all have our own roads to take and that is the road meant for them.




Ciao.

The Prize of Being Home

I can feel the bum days. I have been idle for about three long days and this makes me sick (much to my surprise). I have never been this unproductive until now. I thought that this much awaited sem break would be so much rewarding for me but I was a bit wrong with it. May be I am on the verge of getting the kind of rest that I want but I miss doing stuffs with friends like hanging in a mate's apartment, wasting our time doing nothing, non stop chatting, etc. Being home does not provide me so much things to do and the feeling really sucks. Life is kind of monotonous and all gray. I watch television, I surf the net, I eat and then I sleep. What do you think will happen to me if I continue to live this life. (laughs) Probably, I will look  like a pig with a big big tummy.tss. However, I am still trying to enjoy this time because sooner (not later definitley), I will have to suffer again with academic pressures and all. I must not ruin the chances that life has given me to fully enjoy this short break (laughs).

Guess, I just have to fully and completely submerge myself in this all time resting, eating and idling. It will only be for two weeks or so, better  have it than not.

Ciao.

So, Goodbye...

The weather outside isn't good and that is why I arrived home a little bit late. Thanks to our professor,Ii had my phone charged (Whatever!hehe). At least I was able to reach our home just before the clock strikes 10:00 in the evening. I did the usual things every Friday when I arrived at home: change my clothes, proceed to the kitchen and look for foods, eat, wash the dishes and sit down in front of the television and watch obliviously. Actually I just turned on the television but i didn't watch it, I just listen to it. Texting takes over (laughs).

I noticed some minimal changes in our house. I noticed that we already have lanterns and Christmas decors (whatever they are called). It is not a usual thing we do whenever Christmas is approaching and the view made me a little pensive. tss. I am not used to that view in our house, at the very least of course. And that reminded me one thing - we are again back to the good old days. Just when my father and I would have been the only living thing that is breathing inside the green house. I am speaking of course about the days when I have time to go home and spend the days with him. whew.. My auntie just left last Wednesday (23rd of September). That means we are back to basic, sardines are luckier than us, they are at least 3 or 4 inside that small can. But anyway, it would not be that long.. it will just take about a year or so and then poof! three again, then few months.. 2.... Well, that's how it goes for us.

I guess, goodbye is really inevitable. it doesnt' matter if it's permanent or just for a moment. No matter how hard we try to hold on, forever and always we will hear it or we will say it. But i believe it's never the end and it will never be the end. Along the journey, we will meet certain people which will remind us of the old people that we are able to know along the way. but let's be able to differentiate the good old ones and the new ones. I just hate GOODBYES. There's always someone who are left behind and someone who moves forward. But I guess, some of the best life lessons can be found in goodbyes. (smiles)

Ciao.