White Paper

--------------------------SAY WHAT?----------------------------

I am always blank.

Nothing comes out or even comes into my mind. It is like everything turns this little meat inside my skull to be numb. It lacks out of neurons that's why I am playing idle all the time. The only battle I have to face is to think of how I would exist each time I am inside the battle field of my own life.

I am blank. I have nothing to talk about and I have nothing to feel. Maybe, everything is lost and everything just have to snap back into what it is used to be. It is a plain old justification of living dead. Maybe, I am just like a zombie or a puppet maybe, fully controlled by the surroundings and by the people around.

I am always blank.

I am wanting to do one thing but then again I always go against it. The pains of this existence have brought so much chaos and I get to think, "Does this prove anything at the very least?". Maybe the answer is no, it si just a full stupidity of wanting to avoid things and wanting to avoid feelings but it all boils down into meeting them, unconsciously.

I am always blank. And then I realized, I am just too tired. I am just too preoccupied and absorbed by things, by changes, by attitudes, by everything I mean.

I am always blank and this really needs a good rest.

*Ciao.*

String of Thoughts

At the start, the idea of living does not penetrate in our minds. We didn't mind it, not at all. Oblivious as we were before, humans exist to fill the world with just breathing mortals but as we moved through the sane phases of our lives, we build  up the curiosity and anxiety to discover greater things beyond what our eyes can see.


*breathe*


When all things turn into a blur, nothing and no one could simply understand why the heck of a hell you do things you should not be doing; all you have to do is to take a deep breath. It would not simply go but it's just a minuscule way of reminding yourself that you are still breathing and existing. And that is too much of whim to worry about stupid craps that are happening on your life.
It's just so good to have my thoughts and ideas be transferred and be weaved into words. It's a plain rambling and ranting but of course with a taint of limitation. A thin line between private things and the world of chaotic dramas and admiration still subsists and continue to linger.


*breathe*


Knowing too much is scary just the same as knowing only certain information, you tend to be clouded by visible illusions or worse you can be doomed by the crucial information. So where do you think we should stay in the middle of perplexity and distraught? We, people, usually just ignore things so to live without a doubt that you're doubting each and every possibility.
Remember that complications are almost often worse than the root of the disease.It saturates the whole system into a dead-like mind that gradually fluctuates and then die.


*breathe*


If to put the weight on something that does not deserve such violent or sweet treatment, would you bother to give them the idea of wanting them to stay right where they were standing? Or would you prefer to let them feel the indifference that circles the depth of the relationship you have towards that person?
Honesty puts us into controversy that neither one's self nor  the person of his affection could fathom as instant like the way the hand of a clock tick-tack its way through a minute.


*breathe*


Difficult as it is, we struggle to live for the slightest idea that we will soon die. The actuality is that we are doomed to live our life up to our limit.


*terminated*


Ciao.

The Prize of Being Home

I can feel the bum days. I have been idle for about three long days and this makes me sick (much to my surprise). I have never been this unproductive until now. I thought that this much awaited sem break would be so much rewarding for me but I was a bit wrong with it. May be I am on the verge of getting the kind of rest that I want but I miss doing stuffs with friends like hanging in a mate's apartment, wasting our time doing nothing, non stop chatting, etc. Being home does not provide me so much things to do and the feeling really sucks. Life is kind of monotonous and all gray. I watch television, I surf the net, I eat and then I sleep. What do you think will happen to me if I continue to live this life. (laughs) Probably, I will look  like a pig with a big big tummy.tss. However, I am still trying to enjoy this time because sooner (not later definitley), I will have to suffer again with academic pressures and all. I must not ruin the chances that life has given me to fully enjoy this short break (laughs).

Guess, I just have to fully and completely submerge myself in this all time resting, eating and idling. It will only be for two weeks or so, better  have it than not.

Ciao.

Alienated

Being lifted from almost two days of truly dreadful moments and awkward silence (well, just for me i suppose), I've managed to breathe again normally. Never in my life that I could be so talkative and flawlessly entertaining when there are lots of people around - this one counts when I am caught in the middle of those people who I am not used to be with. In one way or another, I really get tongue-tied. It gets me a little bit too long to ease myself at certain people. That's why I chose to deviate myself from them within those two days that they were around while enjoying themselves of the full time vacation they could spend in our house.

For those torturing moments, I just stayed in my room for almost every time. And during those times that I decided to get out of my room, I just listen to their petty talks. Of course, no interruption from me. I just drew insignificant faces just when the situation calls for it. Guess, I would not be used into exposing myself into people, not too soon. (sighs)

Ignatians had their "reunion". (I guess, it is not appropriate to be called that way, I was not around anyway.tsk) I was not able to come because as I have mentioned above, we had visitors. I missed the fun which I tried to get out of my mind the whole time I was locking myself into my room while pretending that I was studying, that was all a ruse!

Enough of the babbling and the nagging and the ranting. At least, I have achieved to get a good rest somehow. Thanks, anyhow. I was alienated enough for the past few days but I am used to it at some point, really. Looking for more. Now, enough of the most mundane and typical things.(smiles)

I had a jump start today. I woke up just enough for me to catch up with our breakfast. Before I had reached the end of my luscious breakfast, my father reminded me that they would be away for about an hour or so. That would mean being alone with my granny in our house. Well, she's not really my granny but she's close to being one. She's staying with us until Wednesday if I remember it right. She is a silent type of person, and will mostly looks at you when you are talking to her. She seldom speaks a word which is alright for me because if she would be talking a lot, I really do not know how I could compromise. I prefer silence than a lot of chattering at times. (Ahm, it depends on people at least.) So, we had lunch together and I felt some sort of fulfillment within me. The thought of giving her food and taking over the things the she needed gave me a sense of responsibility for that short time. And what's surprising, we talked while we were eating our lunch. So, so nice for me.(smiles)

Ciao.