YOU and ME, A Separate Entity

Please know that I imagined my life with you.

I'll wake you up in the morning caressing your face and whispering in your ears, "Honey, wake up." We'll both prepare for work. You'll cook our breakfast or maybe I will depending on whose in the mood. Or if we're not in the mood, we'll just grab anything that's edible. We'll never have to worry about that because we're made to be flexible in all aspects of our relationship.

We don't need to call or text each other every now and then because we both know that what we need is to focus on our day jobs. But we'll both be excited to get home and talk about our day because we know that constant communication is what a lasting relationship needs.

Some other nights you'll be out late, you'll hangout with your buddies. You'll drink some beer, smoke some cigarette. Some other days, I'll be the one who'll spend quality time with friends. We don't need to mess with each other's social life. You could accompany me at times and vis-a-vis. But a girl's night out or a boy's night out is strictly followed. We are at ease because trust is our foundation. There are no set rules we are simply faithful with each other.

On certain days that we are both too lazy to do things, we'll just lie in bed and talk or sleep or read or listen to music or simply just lie down and do nothing. Each other's presence is enough because we both know that we don't need anything or anyone.

We'll go out on a date, it maybe seldom but it will be a different kind of date like visiting a museum and admiring certain art pieces or going in a place where there is "nothingness". We don't do the cliches, because we look for something different and something extraordinary. Something that will keep the relationship going and not boring. 

We'll go on different places, we'll experience different cuisines and cultures. You'll take pictures and we'll write our stories. Each and every piece of our experience will be recorded because we want our story to be told, to inspire, to motivate, to encourage.

We'll be doing the things that we want the most and we'll experience the world together both its ups and downs, all its compassion and cruelty, all its happiness and sadness. Everything that it will throw at us we'll surely face it head on because we are in it together.

But sadly, all these are just made up situations. All these are the "could have been". All these are just hopes that will never be met. All these are just ideas. Because all these are the things that we want but sadly fate does not allow us to do all of these and to experience all of these. Because now we are not in this together. You have your battle and I have mine. We started as "you" and "me" and we ended up like that again. There is no "us" once more.

01-31-10

As I read through every posts I have written(typed) last year, I cannot help but wonder why is that the same feeling would pierce me while I read each line. This time it's totally different and that is the reason why I am completely annoyed and disturbed by the sudden spasm of everything.

I could not deploy all things out. Maybe I do understand how that happens but what I could not explain was the part where I have to answer the question "why". I have long stayed and I fully stated my reasons, opinions and stand. Nevertheless, people have a difficulty understanding the sanity or maybe insanity of my decisions. They can never adjust to my childish thinking that is why they just let the feeling escape and along with that, they also opt for a choice that I never have spoken of, tearing all things apart and run off.

It's mind boggling and it puzzles me so much, that all I can think of is to try to break loose. Leaving behind or hanging on were neither the easiest nor the most difficult part. Its the time wherein you have to decide for yourself, on whether you have to let go or you have to give up. And for a person like me, usually we choose to let go instead of giving up. After all, we cannot blame the circumstances, the place, the time, and especially the person involve. In the first place, we all have our choices. I have my choices and they have theirs. No one can take that away from them and from us. If their choices go askew with mine, then so be it. It's just that we should have the courage to let the things and decisions we have long installed in our mind come to reality and of course, to take the risks of such decisions.

In the end, no one has to suffer. I believe it will always be a blessing for everyone,for we will continue to gain learning whenever such load of craps have to affect our lives. We only have two things to think of; whether you'll keep in line or break free, and you have to have a wise choice

Chaotic End of Drama

The sudden outburst of everything seemed to overwhelmingly perturb me in a manner that not even a split second could turn away the drastic-but-unchanging circumstances. The memory of the past had traveled with me through the icy glass of yesterday that I thought have been long lost and broken. But the truth struck me, glass can be repaired though imperfect, the image can still reflect no matter how torn into pieces it maybe.

It felt like years but it was still clear, so clear that it looked confusing but my conviction didn't fade--NO, not at all. The spasm of fear and anger and sadness occurred to me like a flash of thunder moving every nerves within me, it ceased my system to work but my mind still lingered on something crucial and unnecessary.

Suddenly, I have to move out. I have to escape warily within every hole without leaving any mark of annoyance, anxiousness, grief, hatred and love. Some things are better left unsaid, some things are better off without and some things are far off to what you had imagined it to be. There are certain and vivid hallucinations that run thoroughly in the core of my mind. Existence can never be this prevailing but it can never be this undesirable.

There are echoes of voices I am hearing but I choose which sound to listen and understand. In the end, the only thing that matters and will matter is the sanity left within me after I saw the chaos outside my world. It was tragic but after months, weeks, days, hours and seconds of musing led me to invulnerable state where no one but me has the ability to penetrate and resolve the issues that separate the beginning from its ending.

Life's Cycle

"People come and go", such a cliche but sometimes things that we do not want to believe could happen. It is plausible and could be very untimely, a ricochet bullet. You would not notice it but you can feel its effect so soon that you will never be aware of its capacity to enter and gnaw in what you thought was an unreceptive persona. like venom that slowly creeps into your vain and too often it causes death. lucky if you were able to survive, but what if just what if... your body gives up suddenly. What could be the consequences? it's either you die or you die (PERIOD)

Realizing how short life could be, I also come to the realization that our good moments with other people and the chances we are given to be with them are counted and limited, it is never timeless and not meant to be forever. Maybe,memories are made so that we can somehow go back to the good old days, so that we can remember and we can reminisce. These memories will remind us how good or bad we treated those persons, either we regret it or we become complacent with what we have done to their lives. what part we played and how well or worst we played it. And when they go, do not be sad but at least be thankful especially if you feel and know that you haven't wasted any of your chances. Be thankful because you became part of their lives and them to yours. Accept the changes for you will be used to it sooner than you think. If some people leave, others will come not to compromise for the loss but to keep the cycle going. They will come because they simply have a role to play in your life and when the shoot is over, they will have to go too. I guess it is how things really work. I am not a cynic, I am just a realist. You lose people for certain reasons which you can barely explain. No matter how attached we are to them, goodbyes are necessary in this life.

All of us might be afraid of being left alone and being left behind but nobody will ever be left alone or left behind if we don't let it happen. We could always look for new companions, for new friends, for new people who will understand us and to whom we can relate our lives fully and comfortably. Lastly, we have ourselves. You know what's good when people leave you? It is when you learn to find yourself and to know that you can survive, breathe and function normally without them whom you rely on for what it seems like a century or so. We could be happy without other people because in the middle of every parting, you are alone and hollow but you see, you still continue to exist.

For people who never moved on, it is certainly not the end of your life, let go and live; for people who moved on, good job put in mind that it will never bethe last time that you will have to go through it and for people who will have to move on sooner or later, it is never easy but be tough. Toughness isn't about being unbreakable but it's about standing still even if every part of you seems to be broken.

"When you lose someone, continue to live because you need to see how other stories will end", I'll end up with this line form My Sassy Girl (American version).

Ciao.

*how can you lose someone? death, separation, disappearance*