Caught in the Middle

"Most of my high school life, I concentrated in achieving scholastic excellence. Getting recognized mattered to me because I know it would mean better job opportunities and gaining the respect of my fellow students. My work paid off and I was seen as a top notcher. Little did I know that I was trapped. People expected me to perform well and I felt I need to prove to them my genius. I was under intense pressure to maintain good grades. The pressure was slowly suffocating me. I thought, what will happen if I fail? Would they still respect me? Would I still be accepted? My heart yearned for freedom from always struggling to satisfy people’s expectations. The more I climbed higher in the ladder of excellence, the more I became dissatisfied and I sensed the emptiness of my life. Is this the purpose of my life? When I die, will medals and awards even matter? Am I vainly working myself to death? On the outside, I was rich with certificates and awards, but on the inside, I was poor."

an excerpt from: http://news.southcentralluzonconference.org/johan.html

While I was browsing the net, I happened to dropped by in a schoolmate's page in multiply and I find this quoted lines where she also got from some other person's profile. I was not able to read the whole story of the girl but the very thought of what was written above clearly explains why this had caught my attention.

There's always more than getting good grades, aiming for the best and proving yourself to other people. What is it? Being your entire self and enjoying the goodness and captivating beauty of life. You'll never prove something if you'll just continue to live under the shadow of perfections. Sometimes, the best people are molded by the number of failures they have done in their lives. Excellence pays off well if you know what it means and what it is for. Being excellent must be a reward for one's self and not for others.

Ciao.

The Prize of Being Home

I can feel the bum days. I have been idle for about three long days and this makes me sick (much to my surprise). I have never been this unproductive until now. I thought that this much awaited sem break would be so much rewarding for me but I was a bit wrong with it. May be I am on the verge of getting the kind of rest that I want but I miss doing stuffs with friends like hanging in a mate's apartment, wasting our time doing nothing, non stop chatting, etc. Being home does not provide me so much things to do and the feeling really sucks. Life is kind of monotonous and all gray. I watch television, I surf the net, I eat and then I sleep. What do you think will happen to me if I continue to live this life. (laughs) Probably, I will look  like a pig with a big big tummy.tss. However, I am still trying to enjoy this time because sooner (not later definitley), I will have to suffer again with academic pressures and all. I must not ruin the chances that life has given me to fully enjoy this short break (laughs).

Guess, I just have to fully and completely submerge myself in this all time resting, eating and idling. It will only be for two weeks or so, better  have it than not.

Ciao.

Life's Cycle

"People come and go", such a cliche but sometimes things that we do not want to believe could happen. It is plausible and could be very untimely, a ricochet bullet. You would not notice it but you can feel its effect so soon that you will never be aware of its capacity to enter and gnaw in what you thought was an unreceptive persona. like venom that slowly creeps into your vain and too often it causes death. lucky if you were able to survive, but what if just what if... your body gives up suddenly. What could be the consequences? it's either you die or you die (PERIOD)

Realizing how short life could be, I also come to the realization that our good moments with other people and the chances we are given to be with them are counted and limited, it is never timeless and not meant to be forever. Maybe,memories are made so that we can somehow go back to the good old days, so that we can remember and we can reminisce. These memories will remind us how good or bad we treated those persons, either we regret it or we become complacent with what we have done to their lives. what part we played and how well or worst we played it. And when they go, do not be sad but at least be thankful especially if you feel and know that you haven't wasted any of your chances. Be thankful because you became part of their lives and them to yours. Accept the changes for you will be used to it sooner than you think. If some people leave, others will come not to compromise for the loss but to keep the cycle going. They will come because they simply have a role to play in your life and when the shoot is over, they will have to go too. I guess it is how things really work. I am not a cynic, I am just a realist. You lose people for certain reasons which you can barely explain. No matter how attached we are to them, goodbyes are necessary in this life.

All of us might be afraid of being left alone and being left behind but nobody will ever be left alone or left behind if we don't let it happen. We could always look for new companions, for new friends, for new people who will understand us and to whom we can relate our lives fully and comfortably. Lastly, we have ourselves. You know what's good when people leave you? It is when you learn to find yourself and to know that you can survive, breathe and function normally without them whom you rely on for what it seems like a century or so. We could be happy without other people because in the middle of every parting, you are alone and hollow but you see, you still continue to exist.

For people who never moved on, it is certainly not the end of your life, let go and live; for people who moved on, good job put in mind that it will never bethe last time that you will have to go through it and for people who will have to move on sooner or later, it is never easy but be tough. Toughness isn't about being unbreakable but it's about standing still even if every part of you seems to be broken.

"When you lose someone, continue to live because you need to see how other stories will end", I'll end up with this line form My Sassy Girl (American version).

Ciao.

*how can you lose someone? death, separation, disappearance*

So, Goodbye...

The weather outside isn't good and that is why I arrived home a little bit late. Thanks to our professor,Ii had my phone charged (Whatever!hehe). At least I was able to reach our home just before the clock strikes 10:00 in the evening. I did the usual things every Friday when I arrived at home: change my clothes, proceed to the kitchen and look for foods, eat, wash the dishes and sit down in front of the television and watch obliviously. Actually I just turned on the television but i didn't watch it, I just listen to it. Texting takes over (laughs).

I noticed some minimal changes in our house. I noticed that we already have lanterns and Christmas decors (whatever they are called). It is not a usual thing we do whenever Christmas is approaching and the view made me a little pensive. tss. I am not used to that view in our house, at the very least of course. And that reminded me one thing - we are again back to the good old days. Just when my father and I would have been the only living thing that is breathing inside the green house. I am speaking of course about the days when I have time to go home and spend the days with him. whew.. My auntie just left last Wednesday (23rd of September). That means we are back to basic, sardines are luckier than us, they are at least 3 or 4 inside that small can. But anyway, it would not be that long.. it will just take about a year or so and then poof! three again, then few months.. 2.... Well, that's how it goes for us.

I guess, goodbye is really inevitable. it doesnt' matter if it's permanent or just for a moment. No matter how hard we try to hold on, forever and always we will hear it or we will say it. But i believe it's never the end and it will never be the end. Along the journey, we will meet certain people which will remind us of the old people that we are able to know along the way. but let's be able to differentiate the good old ones and the new ones. I just hate GOODBYES. There's always someone who are left behind and someone who moves forward. But I guess, some of the best life lessons can be found in goodbyes. (smiles)

Ciao.

Alienated

Being lifted from almost two days of truly dreadful moments and awkward silence (well, just for me i suppose), I've managed to breathe again normally. Never in my life that I could be so talkative and flawlessly entertaining when there are lots of people around - this one counts when I am caught in the middle of those people who I am not used to be with. In one way or another, I really get tongue-tied. It gets me a little bit too long to ease myself at certain people. That's why I chose to deviate myself from them within those two days that they were around while enjoying themselves of the full time vacation they could spend in our house.

For those torturing moments, I just stayed in my room for almost every time. And during those times that I decided to get out of my room, I just listen to their petty talks. Of course, no interruption from me. I just drew insignificant faces just when the situation calls for it. Guess, I would not be used into exposing myself into people, not too soon. (sighs)

Ignatians had their "reunion". (I guess, it is not appropriate to be called that way, I was not around anyway.tsk) I was not able to come because as I have mentioned above, we had visitors. I missed the fun which I tried to get out of my mind the whole time I was locking myself into my room while pretending that I was studying, that was all a ruse!

Enough of the babbling and the nagging and the ranting. At least, I have achieved to get a good rest somehow. Thanks, anyhow. I was alienated enough for the past few days but I am used to it at some point, really. Looking for more. Now, enough of the most mundane and typical things.(smiles)

I had a jump start today. I woke up just enough for me to catch up with our breakfast. Before I had reached the end of my luscious breakfast, my father reminded me that they would be away for about an hour or so. That would mean being alone with my granny in our house. Well, she's not really my granny but she's close to being one. She's staying with us until Wednesday if I remember it right. She is a silent type of person, and will mostly looks at you when you are talking to her. She seldom speaks a word which is alright for me because if she would be talking a lot, I really do not know how I could compromise. I prefer silence than a lot of chattering at times. (Ahm, it depends on people at least.) So, we had lunch together and I felt some sort of fulfillment within me. The thought of giving her food and taking over the things the she needed gave me a sense of responsibility for that short time. And what's surprising, we talked while we were eating our lunch. So, so nice for me.(smiles)

Ciao.